sanity escapes me

Ok, brace yourselves.

Today I accidentally de-pantsed myself in Target.

Yes, I’m serious. As in, full-blown, pants waistline down around my ankles while attempting to finagle a toddler and an infant into the shopping cart. Much my chagrin, this occurred right in front of the very crowded entrance/exit door and customer service counter. Fuuuuck.

How in holy hell could this happen you ask? Well, I’ve lost over thirty pounds and haven’t had the time or inclination to go out and purchase a whole new wardrobe. Everything I own is at least two to three sizes too large. But I deal with it because I’m at that “in between” stage where it just doesn’t make sense for me to run out and spend all of this money I don’t have, on all of this crap I’m just going to shrink out of, only to have to run out and buy more crap later with more money I don’t have. Sure, having to pull up my ridiculously baggy, downward creeping pants every five seconds is a mild inconvenience but it saves me money...blah blah.

You see, my goal all along has been to lose weight, get back to a comfortable size, and then build back my wardrobe. Yah… apparently I’m one day too late. Down went my three sizes too big pants…and there, on display for the four thousand poor, unsuspecting, pre-holiday weekend shoppers were my homely, tattered, white granny panties. Don’t laugh. I have no need to wear pretty underwear as I am involuntarily celibate. I’m just waiting for the YouTube video to surface because you know that security footage is eventually going to make it into the wrong hands. Proof positive that God hates me.

While I swear this is not another one of my poignant moments of self-deprecation, I also swear that it seems like I am the only person on the planet who attracts this kind of bizarre shit. The way I see it? God or some deity somewhere takes great pleasure in my boundless blunders, or I am basically the unluckiest human being on the planet.

Either way, tonight calls for a glass of wine…or ten. I'm off to lick my wounds.