Quote of the day: "Secrecy is the element of all goodness; even virtue, even beauty is mysterious." ~ Thomas Carlyle
Rule number one in relationships: never give away too much of yourself too quickly, lest you wish to send the person screaming, running for the hills.
Hind sight is 20/20. Duly noted. Haven't I figured this out by now? Apparently not.
Last night I decided to share a piece of myself with someone in my life, whom I felt was not only open minded, but prepared for the experience. The situation was an event and one of which totally encompassed who I am as an individual and in attendance were many like-minded believers.
For me, the experience was epic. For this other person? Um…not so much.
Being an intuitive allows me to deeply feel all things in a way most people are blessed, in their unawareness, to never have to feel. As the evening was coming to an end, I felt an immediate shift in this person’s feelings toward me and the light in which this person was now seeing me. Needless to say, it wasn’t pretty. I felt extremely judged - not that this is a new thing, as I have been negatively and often incorrectly judged my entire life. But considering these feelings were coming from a person whom I love and trust it, I found it devastating. Then, as if it couldn’t get worse, this person basically accused me of hurting her. Very much a “hit me square in the gut” blow.
*Whoosh! * Up went my walls…
I found myself instantaneously on guard and I expressively shut down. I immediately erected impenetrable fortifications around the vulnerable part of my being. You know, the side that actually gives a shit? My defense mechanisms are consistently iron-clad, for I have sought refuge behind them almost my entire life.
In one fail and seamless swoop, I became emotionally distant, inaccessible…something I am not in the habit of doing with those I love because once the walls go up, I find it very difficult to rebound. The process is, at best, wearyingly arduous, wherein I literally have to deconstruct the fortress one brick at a time. Obviously, I have major trust issues. This is not something I foresee ever changing, simply because I have no intentions of ever changing it. The nature of who I am absolutely requires it. I have to protect myself. Self preservation is essential.
Ah, yet again, another complication in my muddled world.
Sometimes I think it would be so easy to just be a simpleton; a drone…to just be the sweet, sparkling, naive, good little girl everyone expects me to be.
Newsflash: I don’t blow sunshine out of my ass.
It is virtually impossible for me to do and I hate doing it so I am not going to do it. I’ve tried it… with detrimental consequences of which I am still reeling. Only time will tell how this situation plays out and how the relationship evolves. Who knows? Thanks to my defenses, I am in a neutral holding pattern. If it works out, great. If not? O’well. Bygones and such…
Some say ignorance is bliss. At this moment, I derive pleasure from my impartiality.
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