Quote for the day: "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." ~Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
After many unsuccessful attempts to psychologically unravel the mystery of a certain calamitous situation currently plaguing my domestic life, I somehow arrived in the very predicament I have found myself in time and again.
Confused. Damaged. Deadlocked.
I have always been a deep thinker. Pondering every minute detail of every facet of my life has, and I’m afraid will always be, my obsession. I am a big believer in karma, universal balance and everything that entails. Therefore, when faced with the difficult situation presently placed before me, I find myself asking “Why? What have I done to deserve this?”
Although the details may fluctuate with the circumstances, I repeatedly turn up the common denominator: Me.
More often than not, it was the direct result of choices I made. Ouch.
It’s a tough one for me to swallow, but it is the truth…and the truth can be painful.
In addition to being deep and a bit of an “over thinker”, I am equally, if not more so, passionate. In fact, I am not certain passionate is a big enough word to describe the essence of who I am. While there are many people in my life, there are a very select few who know the “true me". The reality is, the “true me" is just far too complicated for most people to handle.
I think big, I feel big, I love even bigger. I got an “A” in Witticisms and am well versed in sarcasm, which I like to use…a lot. I’m quirky with an adventurous spirit, curious mind and I enjoy immersing myself in the unusual. I often lack a filtering system and I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I am all of these characteristics and I make no apologies for any of them.
This alone, time and again, has proven detrimental in many of my personal relationships. One of two things likely happens: 1) the person walks out of my life without so much as looking back . 2) the person tries to break me down – break my spirit much in the way a rancher tames, or tries to tame, a wild mustang. The latter has proven most personally devastating.
I cannot imagine how someone could go to such measured lengths to break a person's spirit in order to “mold” that person into their version of a "suitable someone". I don’t get it. That kind of stifling manipulation doesn’t even compute with me. I’m the person at the opposite extreme who encourages individuality. I am the cheerleader, the poster child for supporting the uniqueness and exceptional talents of those I love. Crushing someone’s spirit with cruel words and mistreatment would never enter into my thoughts. So again, I ask myself, “Why is it happening to me?”
The answer? I chose it…I keep choosing it...time and time again. I never considered myself a masochist in the official sense of the word but I'm seriously going to need to rethink that. For more years than I care to count, I have made bad choices, more often than not, for all the wrong reasons.
Although my husband is one of only two men whom I have ever truly loved, I can honestly state, without reservation, that I married the wrong person…mostly because the “right” person never asked me. The relationship with the "right" person just never evolved to that point. The “right” person walked away and I spent years looking into the rearview mirror asking myself, "Why?" The easy answer is most likely that I was too complicated. I could go on and on about unrequited love, embers burning and all of that bullshit, but I won't. I don't have to like it or be at peace with it but it is what it is and it is that way for a reason. Besides, it’s the stuff bad country songs are made of. Alas, I digress...
The good news is I’m aware there is always a choice no matter how hopeless a situation seems. Yes, I am entirely back to square one. I’m trying to figure the best course of action with as few “casualties of war” as possible. I can’t stand hurting people no matter how much they’ve hurt me. Unfortunately, there will be people, extended family members, friends, etc. who will be affected by my decision. But I cannot continue to live my life in this way.
Major change needs to take place. Instead of allowing myself to continue plummeting further into this downward spiral of negativity, I need to remind myself that I am empowered. I do have a choice and the choice I choose will hopefully result in the potential to look forward to my future.
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