sanity escapes me

I’ve been a recluse as of late and I’m discovering how unhappy my behavior is making a lot of people in my life. There are certain elements of my personality that I cannot nor am willing to change - one of them being the fact that when I am going through really difficult stuff I tend to retreat into my cerebral cave and process. I shut out the world and do so unapologetically.

This selective, emotional voidance is selfish really and I completely understand that. It also goes against my predominantly altruistic nature. The people I love and whom love me are left lost and in the dark, having no insight into my world and no ability to help. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t my intention. While I recognize the errors of my ways I still refuse to change. I end up an impenitent, vicious cycle of hurting people I love and incinerating bridges.

Last night, while “processing”, as I like to call it, my telephone rang. Mind you, I am still in “the cave” as we speak. Out of roughly twenty or so calls over the last week I have taken a total of three. I wasn’t going to answer it. I made the mistake of looking at the name of the person calling. My heart strings tugged a little. The caller was a friend whom I’ve known for about ten years. Good soul and someone I often feel damned undeserving to have in my life. I knew she was worried and I hated knowing I was the reason for her profound concern. I unenthusiastically answered.

Our conversation was brief. There are still many details of my situation I am not ready to share. It’s painful and ugly and quite frankly, I just don’t want to talk about it. I have this thing about too many cooks in the kitchen. I like to sort things out independent of outside influences and opinions. That’s just who I am.

Before we hung up, my friend (who is devoutly Christian) wished me well. She also asked me if I would consider picking up a bible to read Psalm 139. I shuddered a bit. Anyone who knows me well knows I don’t do the whole organized religion thing. I am not in the habit of subscribing to synthetic mind fuck, brainwashing. However, when the suggestion comes from a person whom I love and respect I will (grudgingly) give it consideration.

I should inform my readers that, while I am not a patron of dogma of any form I AM quite educated on the subject. I quite extensively studied various religions in school. I did this not only out of simple curiosity (yes, I am a nerd and I embrace it) but out of my unremitting need to “know my shit” when others try to indoctrinate or talk down their noses at me.

Ok, so I’m not a total heathen. I am no stranger to God’s word. Yes, I’m quite familiar with Psalm 139 and no I don’t believe it applies to me in any way, shape or form. But I find it strangely amusing that my friend thought it did. I’m equally amazed how much confidence people are willing to put in a book thousands of years old, written and rewritten by and for men over the centuries as a means of psychologically imprisoning the masses.

I have constantly been judged harshly throughout my life by pious followers of various organized religions, mainly Christianity. For thousands of years people have hated, killed, tortured, slandered, imprisoned and dominated in the name of their God. If one doesn’t fit into the mold of the black & white letters in a little black book, one is automatically “going to hell.” Sorry, but that’s just bullshit. I won’t even get into the whole semantics of heaven and hell. That’s a blog post for a different day. Needless to say, religious conviction has left a sour taste in my mouth.

While I am not religious, per se, I am very spiritual. I guess you could say I have spiritual faith. I call it faith because most of what I experience on an intuitive level cannot be proved. My beliefs embrace many different cultures and systems of religion. What I believe cannot be wrapped up in a neat little package with a label slapped on for good measure. I do not feel the need to justify my convictions to anyone. For what purpose would it serve other than to arrogantly elevate my position? That’s not my vibe.

Do I believe the bible has significant meaning? I guess. But so do the works of Poe, Dickinson and Shakespeare. Do I believe that religion serves a purpose? Yes, to a point as long as the collective belief system doesn’t condemn anyone for existing outside the realm of that doctrine’s principles. I have yet to see this utopia I speak of actually exist. I defy any person to prove to me otherwise.