sanity escapes me

“Every finger in the room is pointing at me. I wanna spit in their faces, then I get afraid of what that could bring. I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth. Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now…” ~Tori Amos, Crucify


For the last few weeks I have been quite literally lost within a sea of bedlam hence, my sabbatical-esque estrangement from my writing. I’ve mentioned quite frequently in my posts that, for me, writing is the most effective therapy. So here I am once again: a vulnerable, frayed nerve. Needing to find expression for the one hundred million thoughts swimming frantically around in my mind.. Needing resolution or at a minimum, peace. Perhaps releasing my thoughts out in words will help.

I recently received a two page letter from the Roman Catholic Church. Expressly from the priest who married my husband and me. Although I have not set foot in a catholic church in shit knows how long, news travels fast in the catholic word and he (in due course throughout this onerous process) found out that my husband and I were divorcing. Given the information in the letter, he was also fully aware that this was a venture specifically initiated by me. Hm…can’t possibly figure where he would have gotten this information *note sarcasm* but that is neither here nor there.

In his letter, Father H made many biblical references. He also threw in enough of his own judgment to sink a small ship including the fact that “marriage is a sacrament that is dissoluble, divorce is impossible unless it can be proven the marriage never existed”. He repeatedly beat into my skull that “the Roman Catholic Church does not take position with, nor will issue and or recognize, divorce from any institution or jurisprudence.” Lastly, he reminded me of my “duty” as a wife. My “obligation” as set forth in scripture, citing Titus 2:3-5 and Ephesians 5:22-25 among several others.

I read the letter over and over to myself aloud. I was, am still, stunned. However, this comes as no shock. None, whatsoever. Huh. One wonders why I take such issue with religion. One word: judgment. Judgment has never, will never, sit well with me. Yet I am constantly plagued with it. The Universe so obviously has a brilliant sense of humor, although these days I am struggling to find the humor in anything, really.

I, for one small moment, considered penning a letter in response to Father H’s jackassery. “Gosh I wonder,” I so graciously mused “ if he or the Roman Catholic Church can even begin to understand relationships, let alone the institution of marriage? I wonder, amid all their celibacy and tepid pursuits of holiness, if they even know what love is. What it means..”

Granted, I’m no fool. I’m well aware of the fact that love does not need to exist within the institution of marriage. That being said, this divorce is probably the most necessary and most merciful thing I will ever do in my life. Most people in my life look at my decision and are very quick to point the finger directly at me.

I don’t really take issue with this as I realize I personally have much fault in the failing of a union that should have never happened in the first place. But what they wouldn’t comprehend, not that I would expect them to as I have very little faith in mankind in general, is the fact that I am doing this for him as much as for myself. Despite everything that he has done, he ultimately should be given the opportunity to find real love. True love. Something that I have never been or ever will be capable of giving him.

I gave my heart away a long time ago to the one person in this universe who is my match. I am afraid it may remain there in limbo forever. It is what it is. I have no regrets. I cannot force change or make a decision for a situation over which I have absolutely no control. Free will is one of the only concepts I have ever taken away from religion and wholly respected.

I ended up choosing an alternate tactic in lieu of writing a response to the church. There will be no more words on this situation and no more outside opinions and influences that I find exceedingly difficult to stomach. This situation does not require my defense or justification. Besides, I found the letter burning far more therapeutic…