sanity escapes me

For too many years I have focused on all the wrong things. Time and again my attention has strayed away from myself in favor of playing the role of savior to the overwhelmingly undeserving people in my life. Like a caged rodent I’ve frittered away upon an ineptly-paced, motionless wheel of feigned complacency.

After thirty-three years of blinding denial, I’ve reached the point of unimpaired realization: At its most reduced state, I’ve lived a life of dichotomy and contradiction. I’ve preached from the virtuous pulpit of independence and strength yet continually succumbed to the haunting doubts and plaguing fears that relentlessly illuminate my innermost vulnerability.

I’m very easily consumed in my outpouring of concern for others yet turn a blind eye to my personal health and life issues. I am strong for and fiercely protect my loved ones yet I have repeatedly allowed myself to be beaten down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I encourage others to pursue their dreams and blaze through life’s insurmountable obstacles while I’ve all but watched the once glowing embers of my own dreams fade slowly away into darkness.

Life is a series of choices and considerable complication exists within those choices. These last few weeks I’ve been fighting a difficult battle both outwardly and internally. I know I cannot rewrite history but am able to learn from my mistakes and move forward with an intrepid spirit.

I am making a new life for myself and my daughters. The legal process has been tedious and expensive. While it’s considerably difficult for someone of my nature to be the direct cause of someone else’s “lifelong pain” I realize I must detach from that and move forward in the direction of true joy and what is in the best interest of myself and my children.

Someone very special to me (rather bluntly and indirectly) helped me realize this although I am certain he and many others in my life have their enormous doubts . I am not going to lie and say this process has been an easy one. However, for the first time in my life, I possess the confidence and fortitude to do what’s necessary for ME and the emotional and mental strength to destroy the vicious cycle of nefarious interdependence.